Courage

 "Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles imposed upon it."

~Paul De Rapin~

So this past year has been extremely difficult for me, but as I look back on what I've dealt with and continue to work through I wouldn't change anything. Believe me when I say, that is a pretty scary statement I just made with some major implications. 

 I decided to write this blog in order to open up to the world around me....in a weird cyber space sort of way, and to share my life's journey. If I could help just one other person out there with the words that I write, then my goal for this blog would be achieved. I'm not trying to use this blog as a soapbox or a classroom. I simply want to share my experiences whether big or small and provide a place of acceptance and realism. Our lives are full of extraordinary triumphs and tremendous pitfalls. It's more than a journey; it's a freaking roller coaster.

My roller coaster took a turn for the worse and threw in a few extra loops just for the fun of it last year around this time. I felt like that kid sitting on the coaster crying and begging for the ride to stop so I could catch my breath. Of course, real life has no breaks and so I struggled to find peace and understanding with the cards I had been dealt. At first I was in denial. Completely expected, but really hard to overcome. Once you recognize the wrong and become truly aware, you are then faced with task of actually dealing with your situation. At least in denial I could pretend life was unaltered. Then I was angry. Angrier than I had ever been in my life. I actually hated the person I was on the inside because of all the rage I felt. I felt sorry for myself and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs out of hurt and frustration. I felt so powerless and victimized and I didn't know if I would ever pull out of the sea of agony that was quickly overtaking me.

My husband, J, is a Psychology Graduate student. I'm sure that statement sounds quite random at the moment, but I promise to try and pull it all together in a moment. He has an absolutely crazy schedule each semester and that includes classes, research, and client loads. This year his particular client load hit a bit closer to home than I ever wanted or thought possible. I was already dealing with my own problem when he came home to inform me of his practicum site for the year. I was not happy to say the least. At first I felt sorry for J and the fact that he had to deal with this particular group of individuals. As time progressed, I could see that J was actually striving to help them, which should be obvious given his profession, but I was angry. I knew he was given a job and that he had to perform in order to continue with his career and education. However, I wanted him to only give the bare minimum in this case and I felt betrayed when he actually came home caring about the task he had been given. I knew it was heartless and irrational of me, but at the time I didn't care. I was hurt! It was an extremely rough road for me; for us.

Today I realized that we are at the halfway point of the school year...i.e. practicum site. It was upon thinking about his job that I realized that I'm no longer bitter. Please don't get me wrong, I still don't love his clients, and never will, but I've come a long way in the past year. As I look back I'm cognizant that this particular part of my journey has played out so perfectly it had to be divinely inspired. I'm not saying that I would wish this on anyone, or that I'm happy it happened to me, but I'm so thankful for the person I've become because of it. I've become more human. I've also learned how strong I really am. I'm starting to really like the person that I am....and I'm talking about all of me. We all have a little bit of "ugly" inside of us. Let's face it....we're only human. Its by accepting ourselves that we truly understand and appreciate who we are. It is also through this process that we are able to truly expereince other's as well.

This 1 year journey has prepared me for the next chapter of my life.

So I've never been an advocate for getting a tattoo. I've always thought of them as some barbaric form of masochism that people inflict on themselves. However, this particular tattoo speaks to me. The word alone is very inspirational in that it shows that no matter what happens in life we have a choice. A choice to have the courage to overcome and no longer live in fear or pain. The word signifies my decision to move past this moment in time and remind myself of what I am capable of. I am also intrigued by the color. It's not your usual dark ink that screams out for attention. It is so subtle, as if the word is there as a hidden secret for the individual who wears it rather than a symbol for others. It's personal and intimate. I still haven't decided, but I think this might by my birthday/one year journey gift for myself.