Wandering in the Wilderness
As I sit here wondering what plans God has in store for our family, I can't help but think about where he's taken us...or rather me (to be quite honest).
Thinking about this time last year, I was craving a new adventure while struggling with the fact I would have to leave many dear friends and family. I obviously knew that God planned for us to come to Pennsylvania, so I didn't have to sit and wonder if we were making the right decision. This knowledge was a great sense of comfort yet unnerving at the same time.
As we drove away from California that day, I felt this sense of closure that I never expected. It felt as if a huge chapter in my life was now coming to a close and there would be no "to be continued" once we returned. There won't likely be a return.
So moving forward to this new state I was determined to make a fresh start. However, it quickly became obvious to me that it was not going to be as easy as I had first thought. I struggled to find a church that fit good and with no church family, I became more and more isolated as the months went by. It felt as if my life were on hold until we move again.
The isolation brought me to a place that I would say closely resembles the Israelites in the desert. Just as they were out in the desert with no ability to gather food or water, I too had nowhere to turn to fill me up. This emptiness I felt was the unnerving feeling. If God wanted me here, then why did my life feel so empty and dry?
It has taken quite a few months to get to this point, but I've realized that much of my satisfaction back home came from my own doing. I was always a Christian, but I never understood how to truly allow God to do the work in me & my life. To give him complete control and take my proper seat near the back of the bus, as I would say to my friends last year. I've been using my own broken cisterns to fill me and satisfy my soul. I didn't realize I was doing this and in fact could point to all of the "so called" healthy and wonderful things I was doing with my time in the past few years. I was so busy doing these things and filling my cisterns with these acts or friendships that I never stopped to look and see how cracked they truly were. I was constantly busying myself with these cisterns that were far inferior to to the living water that God could provide. It wasn't until God physically moved me away from them, that I can now start to see just how pathetically decrepit they really look.
In Pennsylvania; I found my wilderness. My desert. I can no longer reach for those cisterns that became so second nature to me and I have to learn to live on the wonderful Manna that God is providing daily. This has been a year of struggle for me, but I'm beginning to see the purpose and realize that God has not placed my life on hold. He is merely preparing me for the future he has planned. I'm on my way to the land of milk & honey; it just required a short detour through the wilderness first. I guess I can always be grateful that it wasn't in Arizona, although who knows what he has in store for next year. ;)
Thinking about this time last year, I was craving a new adventure while struggling with the fact I would have to leave many dear friends and family. I obviously knew that God planned for us to come to Pennsylvania, so I didn't have to sit and wonder if we were making the right decision. This knowledge was a great sense of comfort yet unnerving at the same time.
As we drove away from California that day, I felt this sense of closure that I never expected. It felt as if a huge chapter in my life was now coming to a close and there would be no "to be continued" once we returned. There won't likely be a return.
So moving forward to this new state I was determined to make a fresh start. However, it quickly became obvious to me that it was not going to be as easy as I had first thought. I struggled to find a church that fit good and with no church family, I became more and more isolated as the months went by. It felt as if my life were on hold until we move again.
The isolation brought me to a place that I would say closely resembles the Israelites in the desert. Just as they were out in the desert with no ability to gather food or water, I too had nowhere to turn to fill me up. This emptiness I felt was the unnerving feeling. If God wanted me here, then why did my life feel so empty and dry?
It has taken quite a few months to get to this point, but I've realized that much of my satisfaction back home came from my own doing. I was always a Christian, but I never understood how to truly allow God to do the work in me & my life. To give him complete control and take my proper seat near the back of the bus, as I would say to my friends last year. I've been using my own broken cisterns to fill me and satisfy my soul. I didn't realize I was doing this and in fact could point to all of the "so called" healthy and wonderful things I was doing with my time in the past few years. I was so busy doing these things and filling my cisterns with these acts or friendships that I never stopped to look and see how cracked they truly were. I was constantly busying myself with these cisterns that were far inferior to to the living water that God could provide. It wasn't until God physically moved me away from them, that I can now start to see just how pathetically decrepit they really look.
In Pennsylvania; I found my wilderness. My desert. I can no longer reach for those cisterns that became so second nature to me and I have to learn to live on the wonderful Manna that God is providing daily. This has been a year of struggle for me, but I'm beginning to see the purpose and realize that God has not placed my life on hold. He is merely preparing me for the future he has planned. I'm on my way to the land of milk & honey; it just required a short detour through the wilderness first. I guess I can always be grateful that it wasn't in Arizona, although who knows what he has in store for next year. ;)
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